i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
