They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
