I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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