i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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