Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
