just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
50% drunk capacity currently
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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