New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
