Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
