he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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