hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
