Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
