Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
