my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
