haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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