god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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