Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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