She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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