every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize