Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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