he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
