I'm sorry my penis didn't work
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
