A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
