saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
