I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize