i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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