I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
