You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
third nipple confirmed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
