Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
