Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
