i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
