We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You ruined the universe
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize