I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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