oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
