but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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