It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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