I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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