it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
