The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
