She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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