Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize