Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
