If i come over, it means nothing
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
