i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
