Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
