You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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