I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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