If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
