i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
