I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am spending my child support on dildos
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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