Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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