twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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