Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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