U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
