i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
