Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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