I met the friendliest cop last night
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize