she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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