dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
