Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize