My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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