somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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