I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
