I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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