Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it's like iHOP with fire
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
