Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
40s are totally the cure
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
