I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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