Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
