why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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