just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
