She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
