i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
