Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
