Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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