I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
